The Impact of Romance Novels on Real-Life Expectations

Because those MMCs are a total package.

Do romance novels give women unrealistic expectations when it comes to men?

This is a question I’ve heard many times on the internet, uttered by random men on trains, and (if I’m being candid) something I continue to ask myself on the regular. In a world where we read about men who are over 6’2”, have abs for days, and possess “throbbing members” that can barely fit, are these male main characters (MMCs) setting us up for failure or setting the standard for what women expect in their potential suitors?

When I’ve talked to men about this topic and romance novels in general, I can understand why they are insecure. The first thing I usually hear is that they don’t have abs and that this standard elevates the way men are expected to look beyond their reach. And that’s a fair concern. My first counterpoint is to say that women have been held to unrealistic body standards since the first painting of a woman was painted or the first marble statue was built of Aphrodite’s body. And likely much earlier than that. But for these men who just now understand what it’s like to be compared to unrealistic body types, it’s hard for them to fully grasp that those bodies are not what we want. How are they to understand that we like our book boyfriends ripped and our real boyfriends soft?

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Now, I’m not speaking for all women, but whenever you see polls online of the Chris Hemsworth type with a beefy bodybuilder physique, compared to a Pedro Pascal, Pedro usually wins. Men probably don’t understand the reasoning, just like they don’t understand why women prefer David Corenswet’s Superman over Henry Cavill’s. (Amy’s willing to take Christopher Reeves’ Superman over both of them.)

Now, I’m speaking in general terms, and I certainly don’t speak for all women. But what I feel comfortable saying to these men I’ve encountered, acting as the spokeswoman for our gender, is that it’s not about the six pack and big dick and being worth millions (if not billions) of dollars. What’s attractive about romance novel MMCs is that they really want to be with a woman they actually like and can express those feelings. It’s about being a man who listens to his partner’s needs and wants and successfully delivers on both. It’s about a man who cherishes, values, and respects the woman he loves.

I once interviewed Tessa Bailey on the podcast I host with my best friend, Amy, and Tessa said she writes stories about women who say something and the men who listen. That sentiment has really stuck with me since and has significantly bolstered my arguments when random men like to rail against the romance genre that they know nothing about.

When you break down what makes a romance novel, particularly what makes an MMC so desirable, I think it comes down to some simple characteristics that we’re all looking for: loyalty, protectiveness, someone who cherishes you, and someone who more than loves you, but also likes you. When you focus on those qualities, it suddenly becomes clear: it’s not too much to ask for.

Now let’s go back to my original question at the top of this article. Does the romance genre give women unrealistic expectations when it comes to their male partners? Or perhaps are we giving ourselves exposure therapy so that we learn what a committed man / relationship looks like?

Just like with any drug or medication, when used appropriately, this can be a good thing. And just like with any drug or medication, when used beyond the prescribed limit, it can be harmful.

I cannot count the number of times I’ve spoken with my therapist about a book and the main couple’s dynamic that really spoke to me or freaked me out. When viewed objectively, I genuinely believe romance novels can serve as a safe space for personal growth and reflection. Rather than feeling attacked, women can read about characters who face the same challenges and struggles they face. We get to maintain some distance from the process that’s taking place on the page while internalizing the character’s growth and reflecting on how the lessons might apply to our own issues.

But to be successful, the reader must look inside themselves to see which parts of a story hurt or heal them. I believe that is true with any art we consume, whether it be novels, TV or film, or even music. I think art can be used as a self-help tool when we’re honest with ourselves and about ourselves.

Despite over a decade of therapy and reading hundreds of romance books, I remain intimidated by a good man who wants me. Honest with his emotions? Expresses his excitement to see me? Values my time and what I have to say? Good luck trying to calm my instant panic. You would think that’s exactly what romance novels have trained and prepared me for. Because what other women are asking for and find in romance novels is simple and easy to follow.

When we start a new book, it’s essential to see what resonates with us or triggers us. Do we hate the female main character (FMC)? Why is that? Maybe she’s acting the same way we would and we don’t even realize it. Is the MMC our new favorite book-boyfriend? Perhaps it’s because he’s acting in a way that we need emotionally.

Any book can have this effect on the reader, and often that’s what classic fiction is measured by; poignant, masterful works leave readers in tears or fill them with elation. How is that not the romance genre? If anything, romance is that multiplied by a factor of a hundred. The genre of romance, no matter the variation, deals with the human heart in its most vulnerable state. And that, to me, is precisely the purpose of literature.

Does romance set unrealistic expectations? At its core, no. But for that person who is waiting in their apartment, not willing to explore the world, and expects a billionaire with an eight-pack to show up at their door – then yes, that’s unrealistic. Please don’t be that person. But if we’re vulnerable with ourselves just as much as these characters are vulnerable on the page, then I would argue romance can be the path to finding a healthier and happier self.

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With an M.A. in Comparative Literature and a B.A. in Creative Writing, Jac Sahlin is a Californian with Chilean roots who once told her mom “my version is better”—and never stopped writing. Now she’s a Romantasy writer, podcaster, and unapologetic lover of smut.